The HEART of the Mother
So, if you don’t know this about me already, I am an empath. I am someone who has a heightened
awareness of the energy of my environment, the people around me, their thoughts and judgements and especially their body language clues me in to know where I stand with an individual in any given moment. We absorb the emotions of the energies around us and as a child, we have no filters or boundaries. In my younger years, I was a giant reactor. You see, empaths, depending on whether they are by nature an introvert or an extravert, will either implode and hold the emotions inside creating a ball of negative energy at our core, or explode and as a result hurt and effect those around us in a negative way.
I am an extrovert. I love being in the middle of everything, I am highly creative, see and draw outside the lines of the proverbial societal box and am a huge people person. But when I was a child, the energy was overwhelming and I would explode at the drop of a hat. My mom used to say I had a
short fuse. True that! Had I not exploded, I would have probably combusted, or taken myself out! I spent much of my early days as a child playing in the pine tree forest behind my house by myself and climbed the highest trees I could find. I have always had the ability to see things from a higher perspective or vision and I guess, even as a kid, I knew that! If I tune in, I can see the energy of everything around me. As a child, it was magical when I was alone in the forest. When I was surrounded by people, not so much! It was frightening and disconcerting.
As a teenager, and not knowing this gift existed, I basically drugged myself into numbness straight through middle school and early high school before I dropped out of that toxic environment for me altogether. Going to school every day was like asking me to go into a war zone and be pelleted by a B.B. gun all day long. I could literally feel the negative energy and judgements of the people around me and I was a huge easy mark for the bullies. Getting out of that environment was the best decision I ever made, but it took me years to stop beating myself up about it and even longer to rebuild my self-esteem and worth. I think it’s safe to say that I am finally a recovered empath at 54 which in numerology equals 9 (completion) and through the raising of my own empathic children and the loss of one of them to suicide, my son Benjamin in 2009, I am strong in my knowing of who I am and have found my true calling in life which is to support young empaths to love and accept who they are before the damage is done. As well as, do all I can to reach the ones who are already in crisis! Check out www.benspeaks.org It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned tools how to ground, protect and stop absorbing the energy of others into my own sacred space and even more importantly learned how to not take things personally. That is still a challenge for me, but I am WAY, WAY, WAY better at it.
In my early development as an energy intuitive and healer, I would hear my teachers say “Thoughts are things.” As an empath it is tricky to discern whether the thoughts or emotions of someone else are jamming up my energy field. Especially since there are collective negativity balls floating around in space all the time that have varying names according to whatever belief system you follow. Right now, there are some pretty big, nasty, negative, demonic in nature (which is fear) thought forms floating around us all the time. A lot of S**T is coming to the surface. I have learned to block them from entering my hemisphere and to know that if I am triggered emotionally, it’s an opportunity to look inside, figure out what memory is being tapped and through awareness and responsibility for my own inner reactions find a way to deactivate, shift, release or neutralize my feelings and respond instead of react. I know that when this opportunity occurs, whether it be with another human or something else, I am being given a gift for self-healing, inquiry, discovery and change. The more I am able to shift my internal landscape to a more neutral or happy state, the more I contribute to the collective energy at play in the universe and clear myself.
Today, I decided to take my dog to Blue Hills for a hike in the woods and a gentle climb. Empaths are
also highly kinesthetic and visual and our minds can be very, very busy. ADHD is usually an indicator of an empathic human. I decided to keep my mind’s attention focused on the landscape of the earth at my feet. This is my way of meditating. I paid close attention to all the rocks and formations of roots, trees, leaves as I made my climb to the lookout over Boston from Blue Hills Reservation. I took pictures along the way. Literally, I wouldn’t get three feet, without discovering the beautiful mirror of mostly heart rocks that were being shown to me along my path. Attached are pictures of many of the hearts I saw along the way.
At the top, I sat and listened to the sound of the universe around me and contemplated about earth
and nature. I have come to know that we live on a benevolent loving being and that our souls and the guidance that surrounds us is also loving and there to support us. It is the ego of the human condition that has created all pain, suffering, fear and chaos. The earth continues to beckon us to remember our birthright and that we too can inherit the earth through loving and seeing the good in ourselves and each other. It is through the lens of the heart that this is possible.
On my way down, I decided to simply count the heart shapes I saw till I reached the bottom. There were 38. 38 in numerology equals 11, portal for opening. I was reminded of a song that I learned many moons ago on the beautiful mirror lake with my sister Lyndsey in our song circle days at her circle room in Wrentham MA. I spent a good five years every week raging and releasing my lifetime of pain from the years of absorbing everything around me in her healing sanctuary for the heart. I had a giant ball of anger, resentment, rage, self-hatred and judgement to purge that came from perhaps life times of being a universal sponge of egoic lies that I took into my being as truth. I
remember singing this very song at the Spiritualist Church in Watertown at the encouragement of both my older sisters who were also my teachers in life. I sang it to a drum I had made in a drum making workshop with my sister Lyndsey’s husband Larkin! It was my first time performing as a singer and I was petrified.
DEEP IN THE HEART OF THE EARTH A DREAM IN WAITING
DEEP IN THE SOUL OF US ALL A DREAM IN WAKING
WE OF THE EARTH, HEAR HER CALL AND WE ANSWER
SHE IS THE MUSIC AND WE, WE ARE THE DANCERS
Today, more and more, I am dancing, singing, painting, sculpting, speaking and writing my own story and the one I am telling is filled with love, goodness, prosperity, acceptance and peace. Ego still whispers in the deep caverns of my mind, but I am going deaf and listening to my heart more and more! Thank you planet earth for this powerful reminder today to listen to the beat of my own heart song and showing me the way to go home! I am deeply, deeply grateful!